Valentine's Day Gifts, Part 3: What Guys Want

• Women of the Internet: If you've come here looking for a specific gift to get your man for Valentine's Day, then you've come to the wrong place. Instead, we have a gift for you: an inside look into what guys really want from a guy who is also a guy.

  Here now are a few facts about men to assist you in finding thoughtful, quality gifts to give your man this Valentine's Day (without shaming yourself in the process).

  
  FACT: Guys are gross and they only have one thing on their mind.

  With that truth nugget in mind, we should all know that what guys truly want for Valentine's Day does not exist outside of the bedroom (with the exception of the occasional bathroom stall, or changing room, or back seat, or front seat, or ... wow people do it everywhere!). Regardless, not every woman is willing to give in to their man's juvenile sexual fantasies — even if they receive a box of chocolates and another smaller box of chocolates. Soooooo ladies, in an effort to save time and heartache, stop reading this right now and just go give your man what he wants and be done with it.

  No? Well guys, I tried.

  
  FACT: Guys are traditionally less materialistic than their female counterpart.

  Men want the gift of experience over something that can be wrapped in a box. Check your local Groupon or LivingSocial for deals on great entertainment, attractions or anything outdoors to do in Orlando that you both can experience together. You can play it safe by booking a fishing trip, or literally throw caution to the wind with a tandem skydiving package. After all, nothing brings a couple closer together than the threat of death and the shared experience of peeing yourself mid-air.

  
  FACT: Guys like building things.

  Go and create something together, and when I say create something I don't mean a human life — unless you're ready for that next exhausting step in your relationship. I'm talking more along the lines of arts and crafts. Right now, couples painting classes are all the rage. Finally, the opportunity to actually complete each other Jerry Maguire-style by doodling two halves of a pretty landscape! Just try not to fight over which half goes on the fridge. Perhaps you want to see your man working with his manly man hands? Try signing up for a pottery class and recreate that sexy/messy scene from Ghost. Just make sure to only recreate scenes from the first 20 minutes of that movie, or else this Valentine's Day will end horribly for the both of you. Ditto for the first 20 minutes of Titanic.

  
  FACT: Guys are natural hoarders and will squeeze every second of shelf-life out of something before throwing it away.

  Out with the old, in with the new? More like, "In a shoebox at the bottom of my closet for the next decade." A keen, observational eye is always clutch when buying a gift for your loved one, so look around at his possessions. Is anything worn-out and in need of an update? I'm talking shoes, clothes, cellphone case — anything that has some good old-fashioned wear and tear on it. Replacing something that he uses regularly could be a great gift that your man will not see coming. He won't even realize he wanted it until he holds it up and compares it to the crappy version that he's been carrying around for two years. Because let's face it, a guy will rock his ratty pair of sneakers until they fall off his feet just like you kept your cracked iPhone until it stopped working and started oozing alien lava or whatever is inside an iPhone. Time for an upgrade.

  
  FACT: Guys like being comfortable.

  That’s why they wear sweatpants when they aren't wearing no-pants. However, male comfort comes in many forms. Some guys are comfortable just hanging on the couch and watching a movie, while others may enjoy getting a back massage. Unfortunately, making him go shopping with you would fall under not comfortable.

  
  FACT: Guys like spooning and snoozing just as much as you.

  Oh snap, take a nap! Anyone with responsibility is always exhausted. A special Valentine's nap is a win-win gift idea. And if you're in the mood for any extra gifting when you wake up, then that's what I call a win-win-win!

  
  FACT: Guys just don't want to argue.

  There is enough pressure on both sexes to get the perfect gift for their mate without the added stress of measuring up to friends' expectations. Try not to compare yourselves to other couples. Don't bother worrying about what anyone else is doing, or where they are going or what they are putting on their fingers for Valentine's Day. Do your own thing, just do it happily and do it together.

  
  FACT: Guys know that Valentine's Day (much like weddings) is mostly for the ladies.

  Guys in relationships seem to accept this fact without protest. To be honest, guys never expect to get anything for Valentine's Day, anyways. Hopefully, there is a bizarro version of this article floating around out in cyberspace that lets the guys in on what women want. Right now, all we have is that horrible Mel Gibson movie of the same name to go on. Wait, is that what you want: What Women Want on Blu Ray? Well, try and act surprised when you get it — but don't oversell it.

  Hopefully this has been an insightful journey into the mind of man that provides an opportunity to open the lines of communication in your relationship, or at the very least give you some ideas on how to better connect with your partner in love.

  Or you could just get him a beard trimmer. On second thought, yeah, he could use a beard trimmer.

  Happy Valentine's Day!